Varsity Program 2006/07:

WELCOME TO THE 2007 W.YORKSHIRE VARSITY Huddersfield University 1st XV Vs Bradford University 1st XV Here we are again, the climax to the season, Huddersfield are the current varsity champions after defeating us last year over at Ilkley, but this year with a new squad and with a highly successful season behind us we have one of the best chances in years to finally put one over on them. Here is todays team line-up: 1.Alex Formerly the Animal Mason. Here we have the corner stone of the team, a fearless leader with a vocabulary consisting only of obscenities and southern words that none of us northerners seem to understand! If any young families are around, we apologise in advance for what may come out of his mouth. Was thankfully dropped as captain after last years poor season, and since we have started winning games! If only we had done that sooner. 2.Cian Prostitute Murphy. Thats right ladies and gents, todays hooker comes in the form of Cian Murphy. His rates are reasonable and he offers all sorts of extras for his most valued customers. Be sure to find him lurking on the corners of the pitch scouting for business! Always a giver, never a taker! Just keep an eye out for his PIMP Ben Armstrong he has a nasty bitch slap on him! 3.Chris Old Man Stevens. Its true, after a year out in the wilderness Chris has returned to relive his golden years with the Rams. Always willing to offer words of wisdom and advice from his many years of experience, but be warned it isnt always good Just ask YoYo. 4.Adam Charmin Bear Hughes. Any one who requires some quality yet soft and fluffy toilet roll that can easily be stowed away in your back pocket in case you ever find yourself in a forest and a call of nature hits you, here is the man to get you it! As soft as the bear on the adverts off the pitch, and even softer on it, Adam is the first fresher to be named on the team sheet this year after a very successful season with the team. 5.Jason Fast Speaking Ndindiri Jason decided he would like to leave a few words from himself in the programme today, they are as follows: dhsdh asishfd ih dusrs isj sihiuhf hsih ih shidksidyhsihds sihd ishds hsidhsids hs ssdsdsd mum and dad djhdujdjd sister, hshdsudshd boys, dhddhdy Thankyou. We are as unsure as you are! 6.Tom Im from Yorkshire so Ill be miserable if I want to be Shelton- Another fresher this year to make the starting line up. Tom is a quality lad who always works hard for the team, and be sure that if a fight kicks off today he will be found hiding under the nearest table, even if he did start it himself again just ask YoYo. 7.Tom Assassin Franklin. Our number seven today comes in the form of the nicest, quietest guy you are ever going to meet, he is either very brave or just stupid because tom never misses a tackle and puts his body on the line in every game! 8.Ralph Pete Small Little (vc). Once again the Royle Family have a representative amongst our ranks. Supposedly this years president, but no one is quite sure if this is true or not! One of the key players of the team and a genuinely nice chap, has recently developed a bald spot in the shape of a thumb, he claims old age- we however think there are two other good reasons for it. 9.Tafadzwa T Mudoti. To the untrained eye you may think that T is short for Tafadzwa, however in thinking this you would be wrong. The T stands for what can only be described as a 3 legged stand for cameras. The boy may be short in height, but girls dont let that fool you. A quality lad who always gives everything to the team! 10.Holden Drapes M'Gonads. Another fresher this year, a bit of a soft lad who enjoys romantic meals and staring at the stars with loved ones. Plays in the equivalent position to Jonny Wilkinson and is just as important to our team, a quality player and a sound lad, he will be key to us winning today! 11.Simon Ducky Mallard. Here we have one of the fastest guys on the pitch, has been out injured for most of the season but has worked hard to earn his place in the team today! Will be the only member of the team without a red jumper today, mainly because he cried at initiation, but ladies dont let that put you off, hes really manly.honest! 12.Jono Preston / Edgar/ Bingo/J.Bear Peck. Its true this is the same person who played at number 10 last year, honestly it is, he has bulked up to prove he can play crash centre. Is surprisingly nippy for a fat lad and is captaining the team today after doing a brilliant job of it this season. A quality player and an alright lad, be sure to join him for his complex Protein and Carbohydrate meal (the secret to his success) later on in any good kebab shop 13.Simon Si Omondi Abiero. With such an original nickname you may be fooled into thinking that Si is boring. This however would be wrong. Si is often found bird spotting, train spotting and picking out new cagoules in camping shops. 14.Terence Catch me if you can Sibanda. Arguably the fastest member of the team, and if he ever decided to go the gym he definitely would be. Is often found hanging around Dixy Chicken and Spring Fisheries trying to improve his physique. Terence is an all round nice guy who given the chance will score tries for fun. Lets just hope we can get the ball out wide to him where he is sure to cause some damage 15.Andy Porky Matthews. Although he looks like he should be with the fat lads in the forwards Andy is one of our most effective attacking backs, and so he should be with 24stone behind him. A local lad for local people whose hobbies include eating, drinking, eating, sleeping and eating. 16.Steve O Livesey - A former rugby league lad, who saw the light and realised his bezzer could be used far more effectively in the far more beautiful game that is rugby union. Has had the majority of the season out due to placement and has since worked his arse off to get in the squad. Just please keep food away from the sidelines, we dont want him becoming distracted during play! 17.Chris I love YoYo Chapman- Probably the unluckiest player not to be starting today after a very successful season and it must have been a tough call for dux to make to decide between young Chris and Tom Franklin. Will be sure to make an appearance today and will definitely have an inspirational input into the game ;) 18.Matt Buck Rogerson. For a lad who had never played rugby before coming to uni this year, Matt has done himself proud and is unlucky not to be starting today. 19.Cam Del Boy Mitchell. A bit of a wheeler dealer, this southern fairy can get you a lovely genuine Rolex for as little as 40, no 30 pounds. With hands like Teflon he struggles to hold on to the ball but if you ignore this minor problem he is actually a very useful player 20.Liam Angry Callaghan. Generally a nice, pleasant lad off the pitch, but for some reason turns in to a demented, cheating, psychopath on it! Similar to mason with his explicit language whilst playing, god knows what Sister Mary Claire would think back at his catholic school in Ireland! It has been said that there are two types of Irishmen, angry and gay. Liam is definitely angry, not sure what that makes Cian?!!? 21.Tom Number 53 Lam. A master in the ancient oriental art of origami, Tom can make a bird out of paper that when its tail is pulled its wings flap, and he can also give a nasty paper cut. A front row replacement today. And pretty quick for a fat lad. Coach Dave Dux Duxbury. The man with the master plan. Dux has been the brains behind our operation all season and has dedicated a lot of his time to our cause so a massive thank you has to go out to him for all his hard work (and honestly hes not a prop, he used to play 10) Players currently MIA (Mum Is Angry) Matt The Fugitive Crowther. What could have been a promising first varsity for this fresher has turned into a criminal shambles after an alleged incident involving 20pints of stella and a window. Is currently at large and considered armed and dangerous. Should he been seen please contact Crime Watch as soon as possible as it is imperative that he is brought in for questioning. Finally we would just like to say Good Luck to all those involved today and a massive Thank You to you the fans for coming over to watch this evening! *Correct at the time of printing